2011: Charlie's Big Break

Dearest Family and Friends,

 It hardly seems as though a year has gone by since last Christmas.  But alas, it is time that I grace you with the annual update on the Maguire family and their debacles…or ‘adventures’ as Mom calls them.  If the goal was to keep things busy and fast paced, our family certainly succeeded this year.  Even if it meant occasionally neglecting the world’s most handsome St. Bernard.

I’m not sure if I mentioned it last year, but it seems to be all Mom and Dad talked about for the last year and a half: moving.  They put the house up for sale in June of 2010.  Sometimes lots of people came and looked at it, other times nobody did.  I did my best to spruce the place up by sprinkling drool stains and fur throughout, but I am told it is a tough market for real estate these days.  All the while, Mom and Dad kept going out with Jo, their new best friend and realtor to look at new houses for us.  I can’t tell you how many times they found “the one”, only to change their minds later. All I know is I am never buying or selling a house. It seems to bring about lots of emotions.  I am fine with mooching off my parents for the rest of my life.  I am told it is standard for my generation.

 In March, Charlie turned two.  An extravagant bash was thrown with a “construction” theme.  Family and friends joined us to fawn over him.  I want to say that by two years old I was quite refined and had become a constructive member of the family.  Chuck, on the other hand, is a different story.  Every day it is something different with that kid.  Mom and Dad were excited at how exceptional his verbal skills were at such a young age.  Neat.  One more person in the family who chatters all day and doesn’t listen to me.  Lenny seems to really like Charlie.  He is always following the kid around and watching him.  I have better things to do than hang out with somebody going through the “terrific twos” stage.  Speaking of Charlie, he really stepped it up in April.  Being the little daredevil that he is, he tried to scale the sides of his crib and fell, breaking his leg in two spots.  Don’t worry, he is fine now.  But let me tell you, if I knew how much sympathy a cast gets you, I might have tripped on the stairs years ago to get myself a cast.  In case you are wondering, Charlie insisted on hot pink for his cast. 

Despite having a cast from his toes to his hip, Chuck DID finally manage to master the art of the toilet.  I won’t traumatize you with the details of what happened when I went in the house, but Charlie was able to get away with it for two whole years before he was taught about the potty.  There was one very stressful weekend, but after the process was done, everybody seemed pretty excited.  I still think it is easier to just take a walk with a shopping bag in hand.  Whatever.

I almost forgot… Do you know what you get a two year old with a broken leg and lots of energy?  A mini John Deere Gator that he can drive around the yard. And by drive I mean terrorize a St. Bernard by motoring full speed without wasting time on the pesky brake or steering wheel.  Yeah, that’s right.  This summer brought us Charlie’s first motor vehicle.  By the end of the summer he had actually gotten pretty good at steering and would occasionally listen if Mom or Dad told him to stop.  I am crafting an angry letter to Power Wheels about this awful invention.

As Mom’s school year wound down and the wonderful winter gave way to the dread of a hot summer, Mom and Dad got more and more desperate about the whole house thing.  Do you know how much crap a two year old can accumulate?  A lot.  And we were running out of space.  Mom and Dad started to really put the pressure on Jo to find them a place with a basement and find a sucker, I mean buyer for their house.  They even decided to rent our house out and put an offer on a house, which fell through.  Dad was convinced he was going to die in the 7 Mile Rd house.  I wasn’t sure who he thought was trying to kill him.

In July, Mom and Dad went on their now-annual camping trip up north.  I had to stay home and babysit Lenny, but the up side was that Grandpa Maguire hung out with us.  THAT guy knows how to treat a dog.  “Treat” being the operative word.  Anyhow, I am told that Charlie enjoyed his first trip on a boat as well as a bike ride all around Mackinac Island.  The weather was pretty cold for the time of year, but I hear that Charlie road the heck out of his trike up there. 

Over the rest of the summer Mom, Dad and Charlie also went on the 2^nd Maguire camping trip.  Aunt Bridget stayed in a cabin with Grandma and Grandpa M while Uncle John and cousin John Maguire IV hung in a tent.  I hear there was lots of swimming, some kayaking, and the smell of skunk after some genius was allowed to buy a slingshot. 

Dad and Lenny also did their summer K9 trips again.  They go off a couple times each summer and certify and compete and try to convince people that Lenny is really a police dog.  This year one of the trips was to Canada.  Finally a chance to take a dog on an international adventure and Dad chooses to take Lenny… and to a fake country, no less. Allegedly he won a trophy or two.  I’m not buying it. 

In August, Dad tried his hand at running.  He signed up for something called the Warrior Dash.  He and Shellie (some chick he works with) signed up for the three mile obstacle course which culminates in a swim through mud and a leap over a fire.  Sounds like a lot of work to me, but Dad liked it so much he signed up for another one in November.  He went down to visit his friends James and Luzmilla in Houston and ran the Warrior Dash there with James.  Personally I think Dad should leave the running to Mom and focus on walking his beautiful dog.

 September brought about some real fun times. Somebody finally put an offer on the house.  Then the rush was really on to find a new house for us.  Jo worked out a deal for us and got us a great new house.  We just moved in last week and everybody loves it.  Mom and Dad keep saying that things really work out the way they are supposed to, even if prospects look grim… I wonder where this positive attitude was a few months ago. 

In October, Mom (who is know a class sponsor at work) got to help build a parade float for the Freshman class.  Dad simply wanted an excuse to pull a trailer behind his truck so he tried to help a couple of times.  All of Mom’s hard work paid off and the Freshman class won the float building contest.  I was sorta hoping for a root beer float, but in the end I couldn’t even score a dallop of ice cream.  It isn’t easy being so mistreated, trust me.

Charlie celebrated Halloween by dressing up as Dad.  He wore camo pants and sported a Police K9 uniform that Mom made.  Real original.  He even had a stuffed dog that looked just like Lenny, but was twice as smart.  He got a TON of candy; his favorite being a Dum-Dum sucker. For real.

By this time of year, Mom was really packing on the pounds.  Thank God it was sweater season.  Oh, I am sorry, I probably should have mentioned that in July we learned that there will be another little darling joining our family.  Apparently Charlie hadn’t destroyed enough of our home, peace, or sleep habits so Mom and Dad thought we needed another one.  This one will have its own room.  The gender is some kind of a secret and Mom and Dad are at a loss for names.  However, Charlie has already named it “Lamppost”.  Everybody is very excited.

While this year was very fun and brought lots of exciting changes, it was also bittersweet.  With the passing of Dad’s Grandpa Dean Hansen and Mom’s Grandma Lois Festerling, we were reminded of how precious and fleeting our time is here.   However, the family was able to use this time to visit and catch up with lots of relatives who they hadn’t seen for quite a while. While the loss of our loved ones is hard and the holidays will not be the same, it reminds us the true meaning of Christmas.  The greatest gives we have are those we love.

 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year,

Beaumont and The Maguires

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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2010: By Beaumont

Dearest Everyone,

It’s that time of year again.  The days are shorter, the hustle and bustle is in full swing, and I have decided to grace you with my annual Christmas letter again.  I must admit I am less inspired to write this year as life in the Maguire household is starting to involve a lot less cool stuff, and a lot more “Charlie this” or “Charlie that”.  If Lenny had any kind of grasp on the English language, I would have let him write this letter. Luckily, his ignorance means you get to enjoy my witty prose.  I will try to rally for your sake.

This year started off great.  It was cold and snowy outside-- perfect for a beautiful alpine dog like myself.  Things were nice and quiet, until young Charles became more and more mobile.  He was crawling everywhere and by the time March got here everybody was celebrating his first birthday AND the fact that he was walking.  I learned that when you have a one year old walking human in your house, NOBODY is safe.  The lad is very curious and likes to inspect, play with, or yank on anything or anybody who may be within reach.  Especially if they have a tail and big floppy ears.  I started spending more and more time upstairs until he figured those out, too. 

By May, we were all tired of running away from The Monster, I mean, Young Charles, and Mom and Dad decided it was time to start thinking about a house with more space.  There was a really cool house down the road that they had their hearts set on.  After finally putting a for sale sign in front of OUR house, the dream house sold.  So now we are apparently still trying to sell, but we don’t have a place to move to.  I am already planning to move in with Grandpa Maguire. There’s a guy who knows how a treat a dog. 

As spring turned to summer, Mom and Dad ran the Dexter-Ann Arbor half-marathon, but this time, they ran separately.  Usually, Dad runs with Mom and his cheerful, “I’m not tired” chatter makes Mom really angry by the end of the race.  Dad ran very fast and tired himself right out.  He says he has retired from running since he ran his fastest time ever (not saying much).  He could barely walk for a week after.  Mom, on the other hand,  used the race as another training run for her second marathon.  In September, Mom and Dad went to Toronto where Mom ran the Lakeshore Marathon.  We were all really proud of her and she did a great job.  Or at least, so I am told.  Apparently you need a passport to go to Canada now.

Besides running, Mom, Dad and Charlie did a lot of camping this summer, too.  They went to Wilderness State Park where they took Charlie for a 20 mile round trip bike ride from the campground to town and back.  Charlie enjoyed the first 15 miles of the trip, and then voiced his displeasure (very loudly) until he got out of his bike seat.  They also went to Tawas State Park where they camped with Grandma and Grandpa Tackebury.  I am pretty sure that Grandma and Grandpa T. are obsessed with Charlie.  I think Charlie could burn their house down and they would be amazed at how he was a genius for harnessing the power of fire.  Needless to say this camping trip was a success.  In August, they took the camper to Harrisville on Lake Huron where they camped with the rest of the Maguire clan.  Grandpa and Grandma M. got to use their kayaks.  Dad and Uncle John took the jet-skis out until Dad broke one.  Aunt Bridget, Maria and Claudia were all smart enough to stick to dry land.  Of course I didn’t get to enjoy any camping since Mom and Dad have such a tiny camper… and one without air conditioning.  I stayed home with Lenny, Grandpa M’s dog Spats, and our new friend Cooper.  It was delightful.

At the end of the summer, Dad and Lenny took a couple trips away for K9 certifications.  Lenny brought home some more trophies and I sent off a nice letter suggesting they look into his use of performance-enhancing drugs.  I have not received any reply as of yet, but I am sure it is coming. Perhaps one of these days they will send someone to do a surprise drug test.  I can hardly wait.

September rolled around and brought all kinds of changes for everybody.  Mom took on a new 6 period day at work which means she has twice as many students as last year.  While she complains about all of the papers she has to grade, I think she likes the challenge.  Dad went to working 12 hour shifts.  When he works, he is gone half the day, but he gets a ton more days off.  Upside is that he gets to spend a lot more time at home with Charlie and me during the week.  The downside is he still brings Lenny home with him.  Oh, and with all the changes in work schedules, Charlie even switched things up.  He is in a new daycare now.  It’s called the Learning Tree and everybody seems to like the switch.  Charlie seems to have gotten comfortable there as he has begun to talk like crazy and – get this – even bit a kid there.  I don’t think I need to tell you what happens to me if I try to bite somebody.  Total double standard.

Charlie celebrated Halloween twice between the party at school and his actual Trick-or-Treating adventures—once as a pirate and once as a St. Bernard.  I think it is beyond obvious which outfit was better.  Unfortunately, the poor kid still doesn’t really get the whole Halloween thing.  He only hit up a few houses before he got bored.  No biggie.  Mom and Dad were going to eat all of his candy anyhow.  Speaking of holidays, Christmas is another one that poor kid doesn’t understand.  He knows who Santa is and loves to say his name and say, “Ho Ho Ho”; however, whenever Mom and Dad take him to see Santa, Charlie gets all scared and shy.  Nonetheless, I am sure that kid is going to get all kinds of stuff he doesn’t even deserve when Christmas Day rolls around. 

As another year draws to an end, I must tell you things are changing quickly at the Maguire home.  Charlie is starting to bust out actual sentences.  Well, at least Mom and Dad think so.  I swear you need a code-talker to translate that boy’s jibberish to English.  He has moved on to running non-stop and napping less everyday.  Nobody in our home is safe.  I think the days of Dad getting his afternoon nap are coming to an end.  Mom takes Charlie on all kinds of awesome adventures every weekend so that Dad can sleep.  I don’t want to call him a Mama’s Boy, but that kid seems pretty partial to his mom.  They have a lot of fun together.  Lenny and I have finally found a common ground in the lack of attention we receive these days.  We are planning a revenge that I cannot speak of in this letter.  It may rival the turkey eating incident of which some of you may be aware.

As much as I would love to complain even more, I am running out of letter.  That and it really has been a pretty great year.   We all hope this letter finds you and your family well!

 

Merry Christmas!

 

Beaumont, Hattie, Patrick, Charlie

 

…and Lenny.

Living with a Baby (2009)

Dearest Everyone,
Congratulations! You made the Maguire Christmas letter list.  Once again, I have decided to treat family and friends to a lovely walk down memory lane to recap the last year.  I am not sure why I still do this because, around mid-January, half the letters are returned with bad addresses and Mom and Dad start to realize that they forgot to send letters to a bunch of people who should have been on the list.  Yet, I will forge ahead to carry out my mission of witty prose.  Hopefully Dad and Lenny don’t screw up the mailing process this year. 

By now, you have no doubt heard about the big exciting news of the year.  On March 11th, Charlie joined the Maguire family.  Since then, it has been quite an adventure around here.  And by ‘adventure’ I mean that nobody ever sleeps, there is baby stuff all over the house, Lenny and I have been rudely banned from half the house, and ‘walks’ seem to be more of a special occasion than the routine activity they SHOULD be.  Anyhow, more about the kid… Despite usurping all of the loving attention which used to be doted over yours truly, he isn’t ALL that bad.  At least he has good timing for a Maguire.  He was born at 7:33p.m.  I mean he waited till just after Wheel of Fortune was over to be born.  How cool is that? 

Perhaps most surprising to everybody is that Dad has taken a keen liking to young Charles.  Dad has been working later in the afternoons and nights lately, so he spends a lot of the days with Charlie.  They plan frequent ‘Man-Missions’ to places like Home Depot.  They shop together at Babies ‘R Us.  And occasionally, Dad loads Charlie up in this ridiculous backpack or sling and takes Lenny and me for a stroll.  Sure, I like to finally get out and stretch my legs, but you have no idea how embarrassing it is to be seen with Dad when he looks like such a dorky dad now. 
Don’t get me wrong, Dad isn’t doing all the work.  Mom helps, too.  She does the fun stuff like middle-of-the night feedings, making his food, and taking him to the vet or doctor or wherever he goes.  She even gave up her cutesy little sports car for a more practical Jeep.  They call it the “Chuck Wagon”.

On a side note, you may wonder why this year’s letter doesn’t follow my normal chronological style of recapping the year.  Mostly that’s because since we have ‘The Baby’ we don’t do all the crazy stuff we used to.  Everything seems to center around ‘The Baby’.  For example in April pretty much the only thing we did was NOT sleep.  Dad took a few weeks off and took turns with Mom staying up all night with Charlie.  I guarded the door to the nursery whenever Mom and Dad were in there.

In May, Charlie started going to church and got baptized.  Given his parents, he could probably use all the divine intervention he can get.  They also decided to drive over to Holland, MI and take in the Tulip Festival parade.  Normally, I would be disappointed to have been left out of yet another family activity.  But seriously… Who thinks it is a good idea to put a 8 week old baby in a car, drive 3 hours, watch a parade, and then drive 3 hours home?  Needless to say, I was GLAD to miss that car full of tears. 

Once summer hit, Mom and Dad tried to keep up with their ridiculous pastimes.  As if it weren’t weird enough to leave the house and sleep in a little camper, they decided to throw in a sleepless baby.  In June they went to Lakeport State Park in Port Huron for a night.  Allegedly, Charles was so well-behaved that the people around them never even knew Mom and Dad had a baby with them.  A few weeks later, they all went to Tawas State Park, this time for two whole nights.  Charles wasn’t quite so quiet on this trip from what I hear.  It looks like Charlie is going to be a pretty good camper over all.  Mom and Dad dunked him in two Great Lakes and he loved Lake Huron but hated Lake Michigan  (there’s no accounting for good taste in this family).  Charlie saw his first lighthouse and Mom thought it was a good idea to climb all the way to the top, baby in tow.  Their biggest camping trip was in Muskegon where they stayed for three nights with Uncle John, Aunt Sue, Tommy, Maria, and Claudia.  I was jealous that their dog, Jagger, got to go on the camping trip.  But then I found out that it rained a lot.  No thanks.

By this time you may have noticed a common thread missing in most Maguire Family events:  the beautiful dog (and Lenny).  Not to cry my own river, but I must say that I have NOT been receiving the adoration which I deserve and have become accustomed to.  It seems as though I have become a second rate citizen in my own home.  I get left out of pretty much all the big events and trips these days.  They are treating me like… like…well like Lenny would deserve.  Well the upshot is that Grandma and Grandpa Maguire come to stay with me a lot now.  THOSE are some people who know how to spoil…er…treat a dog right.  Grandpa M might have occasionally snuck me some ice cream.

By around August Dad got excited because they promised him and Lenny a new police car at work.  It got to be a family joke because there was a new excuse every week and the car would never show up.  Lenny got to ride in some real jalopies while he waited for his new ride.  It was hilarious.  As it was the new car would not come until mid-October… and it would be broken already within a few weeks.  Anyways Lenny would not stop bragging about his stupid new car for the longest time.  Dad has some crazy button on his belt that lets Lenny out of the car automatically if Dad needs him (why this would happen, I don’t know).  I asked for a special button so I could open the back gate and let Lenny run away for good.  I haven’t gotten a response to this request yet. 

Also in August, Charlie learned a new trick: sleeping.  Everybody was all excited when he slept through his first full night without wreaking havoc on the household.  Dad took Charles and Mom for a celebratory breakfast at Big Boy the following morning.  (I told him he shouldn’t have gone all-out on such a lavish meal so early on in the game.)  The whole ‘sleeping-through-the-night’ thing only lasted a few weeks before Charles started getting teeth.  He got his first two teeth on the bottom and this apparently was not fun for him. 

In September we finally turned the page into fall and started to put that dreadful warm weather behind us.  My normally joyous and charming demeanor brightened even more as the nights grew cooler and I could finally go outside and enjoy myself again.  Mom and Dad took off for a long weekend in New Mexico.  I’m not sure why they think they are too good for the old Mexico, but Lenny and I stayed home with Grandma and Grandpa Tackebury.  This was a little exciting for EVERYBODY.  Mom seemed all nervous about being away from Charles for a couple days (um, hello you don’t hesitate to leave ME behind… besides, he can’t even walk. Not like that kid’s going anywhere soon…).  Grandma and Grandpa Tackebury were a little unfamiliar with hanging out with Lenny and me.  It worked out pretty well.  Everybody survived and a lot of us even had a real good time.  I tried telling Grandpa T that we leave Lenny locked in the garage, but he didn’t buy it.  He might have snuck me some treats.

The weather continued to become delightful.  I was enjoying more and more time outdoors while Dad came up with more and more excuses for not picking up the leaves.  Charlie dressed as a Turkey for Halloween (not to name names but somebody was a little too chunky for his costume) and even got to be in his very first parade.  South Lyon has an annual Pumpkin-Fest parade each year.  Charlie’s daycare had a float in the parade and all the kids were walking in the parade.  Mom and Dad pushed Charlie in his cart thing, but bailed out halfway through the parade ‘cause it was pouring.  Sir Charles started getting more teeth.  This apparently means less sleeping at night for some reason.  He also started to army crawl which was a disappointment.  I had come to appreciate Charlie as I would a bonfire, fine artwork, or carnies; they are fine to look at, but there is no reason to get within arm’s reach.  So now Charlie keeps finding it necessary to crawl up to me and try to touch me.  Unnecessary.  Lenny seems to like it though. He keeps licking Charlie – which is hilarious because then Mom yells at Lenny. 

I know this letter was woefully short, but I must start to wrap it up.  Charlie has recently gone from his ‘army crawl’ to crawling up on his knees and standing up with whatever he can find to pull himself up.  On one hand it is funny to watch Mom and Dad have to chase him all over the house.  That kid is getting into EVERYTHING.  On the other hand, I have to watch my back or he’ll sneak right up on me.  Chuck – Mom hates when I call him that -  seems to think floppy dog ears are toys.  I am off to find a new hiding spot.  I hope this letter finds you well and that you have a Merry Christmas and a Joyous New Year. 

Regards,

Beaumont and The Maguires
(and Lenny)

A Year of Change (2008)

Season’s Greetings,

It is my pleasure to once again treat you to the Maguire Family’s annual Christmas card as well as to bring you up to date on some of the exciting things happening around here in the last year.  In what has become something of an annual tradition, Lenny once again thought he would get to write the letter.  Don’t worry, I saved you.  I told him there was a criminal hiding in the woods behind the house.  He should be gone long enough for me to finish this thing in peace.

This year started off pretty quietly.  You can rest assured Mom went out and bought Dad some new socks after last year’s Christmas card went out.  In February Mom went off to Greece and Italy to wrangle a bunch of high-schoolers as they traveled Europe.  I thought it was bad enough that she left us all behind, but then Dad left to see his friend in Washington D.C. I got to stay home with Grandpa…and Lenny.  Mom came back with lots of exciting stories and knick-knacks.  Dad came home with blood-shot eyes. 

March brought another well-celebrated St. Patrick’s Day and then in April Mom and Dad took a foreign adventure together.  On one of Mom’s many breaks from working, they took a train to Toronto, Ontario.  They said that I couldn’t go with them because it was in a far away land called Canada and I don’t have a passport.  Once there they saw the Royal Ontario Museum, a police museum, and the CN tower.  This is a big pointy needle thing 130+ stories in the air where Mom and Dad walked on a glass floor, looking straight down.  I stayed home with Grandpa… and Lenny.

May was a very busy month.  Mom made Dad start running again.  They went to Grand Rapids where they ran a 25kilometer race.  I am not good at math, but they tell me this is over 15 miles.  Later in the month, they also ran the Dexter-Ann Arbor half marathon.  Another long run.  I am not sure if they were trying to save money on gas or what, but Dad really hasn’t run any great distances since then.  Heck , he can barely muster up a half mile walk for a certain beautiful dog.  May also brought their yearly trip to Mackinac Island for Mom’s debate and forensics conference.  They stayed in the really nice, but awkwardly decorated, Grand Hotel.  Leonard and I enjoyed the spring blooms and muddy yard with Grandfather.  He is really becoming quite good at taking care of us due to our absentee parents.  Oh yeah, Mom says I should tell you that Lenny and Dad went to some police dog trial thing and won some trophies.  Call me when he wins a beauty contest. 

June was a month of new beginnings.  Mom and Dad started a new chapter in their camping endeavors by buying a camper.  They got a little one that pops up.  They were all excited to try it out and Mom was convinced this meant Lenny and I could join them on camping trips.  So we ALL went on an overnighter and were rained on the entire time.  I gotta admit the camper was nice and stayed dry inside, but was a little cramped with all of us in there.  Lenny and I decided that we much preferred hanging out on the couch with Grandpa.  Mom and Dad went on the rest of their camper trips without us.  They also returned to Toronto where they saw a concert and went to the NHL hall of fame. 

June also was the month where Mom sat Dad down one night after work and told him he was going to be a Daddy. I know. I was equally confused.  I mean he already is my dad.  And Lenny doesn’t know he’s adopted so he calls him “Dad” too… but Mom said something about we are going to have a baby with two legs and no fur here pretty soon.   All I know is it better not eat my food or interrupt my afternoon naps.  This news caused much excitement in the house and they have begun repainting rooms and shopping for all kinds of weird junk we have never had before. 

In July Mom complained about being nauseous all the time.  I thought she ate some bad kibble, but Dad said it was something about this ‘baby’ who’s on the way.  Mom and Dad took their new camper to northern Michigan and camped near the Mackinac Bridge.  They also took their bikes and logged about 25 miles in one day. 

In August they took the camper to Grand Haven and went to the Coast Guard Festival where they saw lots of neat boats and a big fireworks display.  They also went to some place called ‘The Gorge’ very far from here where they saw their favorite band perform near a big canyon.  You would think they would get tired of always seeing the SAME band.  I stayed here with Grandfather… and Lenny.  Dad started building his ‘shennel’ in August.  It is part shed for his tractor and lawn toys and part covered kennel.  Lenny is afraid we are going to get moved outside.  I told him it’s probably for this baby.

In September I noticed Mom seemed to be running a little slower.  At least it was taking her longer to get back from her runs.  Dad keeps saying it’s about this baby.  I don’t get it. Maybe she was slow because she was out LOOKING for this baby?  Mom took her last class to get certified in History so now she can teach even more subjects than before.  Dad and Lenny went away again for another week – which was kind of nice – and came back with a bunch of trophies.  One said something about ‘First Place’ in ‘Obedience’.  I’m pretty sure they stole it since Lenny is always on the couch.

October brought the change in leaves and weather.  It was time to break out our heavy clothes.  And just between you and me, it was just in time.  Mom seems to be putting on some weight.  She ran the Detroit Marathon, but instead of running the whole thing like she originally planned, she ran it as part of a relay team with a bunch of other ladies who had babies on the way.  Oh yeah… October starts ‘Inflatable-Crap-in-the-Yard’ season.  Dad put up his ghosts for Halloween.

November was when things just started getting weird, if you ask me.  Mom appears to be hiding a basketball in her shirt.  Maybe that’s what Dad is getting for Christmas.  Dad repainted the guest room green and they both refer to it as a nursery.  Maybe since Mom killed her garden they are going to try growing stuff indoors?  Mom keeps talking to Dad about names for this baby and they debate whether it’s a boy or girl.  I don’t get it.  We have somebody coming to live with us who we don’t know, has no name, and gets their own room right off the bat?  Crazy.  Anyhow the inflatable turkey joined us for November. 

December ushered in a birthday which Dad tried to ignore as he feels old now.  The inflatable Grinch went up along with a way-too-fat Christmas tree and all the trimmings.  The hustle and bustle has set in big time and Mother is looking forward to yet another long break from work.  Dad looks forward to skiing this winter.

Despite all that is going on in the world, The Maguires are blessed with health, family, and many blessings (like me).  We hope that this letter finds you and your family enjoying the blessings of Peace, Love, and Joy this holiday season.

Merry Christmas,

Beaumont, Hattie, Patrick ……and Lenny.

Holiday Run-Down (2007)

Dearest Everybody,

It’s that time of year again when holiday cheer is in the air, snow is on the ground and the Maguire Family Christmas letter is in your hands.  In what seems to be an annual tradition now, Lenny again thought he was going to write this year’s letter.  I couldn’t find a delicate way to tell Lenny that he has neither the wit nor eloquence to author a letter deserving our family name. So I told him he’s in charge of writing our 4^th of July letter next year.  Be sure to watch for THAT one… Anyhow, as I think of how to sum up the Maguires’ last year there really seems to be a recurring theme of travel. And by travel, I mean Lenny and I did a lot of staying home with Grandpa Maguire and Spats came to stay with us. 

Mom and Dad started the year off by taking a trip to visit their friends Jim and Kathy in Washington, D.C.  There they got to see all of the monuments and historic places.  Dad and Jim even posed with a crazy conspiracy theorist outside the White House who was running for president.  Mom stuck with posing in front of monuments.  They even survived a blizzard.  Not a real blizzard, mind you.  Just about 3 inches of snow which brought the whole D.C. area to a stand-still.  Lenny and I watched lots of TV with Grandpa and chased Spats (the dog with unending energy) around the yard for a few days.

A few weeks later, Dad talked Mom into celebrating one of his favorite holidays in Chicago.  Grandpa came over to tell us of our Irish heritage while Mom and Dad celebrated St. Patty’s Day in Chicago with their friend Steve and Cousin Bill.  They showed me pictures with lots of silly outfits, a parade, and a green river.  I still really don’t get the point of the trip, but they really seemed to enjoy it. 

Let me tell you about running.  Running has to be the dumbest thing ever.  Apparently people run miles on end for FUN.  I mean, I could see if they were chasing a balls or doing laps in the backyard, but seriously if you are going more than a few blocks, take a car.  Besides, there is no way to sniff interesting things if you are travelling at any pace faster than a mosey.  Nonetheless, Mom has become a ‘runner’.  We kinda thought this might be a fad or a phase, but it seems to have stuck.  In April, Mom tried to share her sickness with Dad.  He ran a half marathon with Mom.  They both did well and Mom began to talk all kinds of crazy talk about running a WHOLE marathon.  Dad offered to watch.

After the run, Mom and Dad got to go to Hawaii to visit Uncle Bill and Aunt Maureen.  Since they were lucky enough to have the world’s most hospitable relatives (and great tour guides), they got to see and do EVERYTHING there is in Maui.  Mom learned to surf (Dad never got up on the board), they biked down from the top of a volcano, and they got to snorkel with giant sea-turtles.  They even came within a few feet of a GIANT stingray.  Crikey!  On the downside, their car got broken into and Dad had his wallet stolen.  Worse yet, the camera with all of their pictures was taken.  Seriously. Aren’t cops supposed to know better?  Anyhow, Uncle Bill and Aunt Maureen made sure to help get all kinds of new pictures to memorialize the trip.  Grandpa and Spats came to enjoy the April showers in South Lyon with Lenny and me.  We didn’t take any pictures. 

As the weather started to get warmer, Mom took Dad along to her annual debate-nerd conference on Mackinac Island.  I am told this was incredible as they got to stay in a huge room in the Grand Hotel.  They had their very own balcony overlooking the Mackinac Bridge.  Spats showed Lenny and me how to hunt moles in the backyard.  Grandpa got fudge.

Once summer rolled around, Mom started to get really consumed with the whole ‘running’ thing again.  She made Dad run the Dexter-Ann Arbor half marathon with her.  He survived that to run with her in a 10k sponsored by the police in Farmington Hills.  Dad won his age group and got a plaque.  Mom later told me that it was only because there were, like, 5 people in Dad’s age group.  Dad decided to end his running career on a high note.  Mom, on the other hand, committed to running a full marathon and spent nearly every waking hour of the summertime running.  Sometimes she even got up at dawn to run 15 to 20 miles.  Dad just laughed and cheered her on.  He said that the more she ran the less time she had to come up with ‘projects’ for him. 

While Mom and Dad planned to do lots of camping this year, they only made it out once.  But they made it a heck of a trip and booked a lovely site in Muskegon.  Mom led Dad on all kinds of nature hikes in the woods and sand dunes.  They even expanded their camping setup to include a nice big camping stove and screen tent.  Lenny and I enjoyed the AC with Grandpa and Spats.   The screen tent sounds lovely, but I am holding out until they get a camper. 

The harp was dusted off and Mom got Dad to finish tiling the rest of the house to match the kitchen.  Dad isn’t really all that handy with ‘tools’ and ‘home-improvements’ so he suckered Grandpa and John to come show him what to do.  I think Dad was mostly just their helper.  Lenny and I tried our hardest to get our snouts in the grout.  The outcome is an AMAZING new floor.  They say that it makes the house look a million times better and is easy to clean.  All I know is there is nothing better than a nice cool tile floor on the belly during the dog days of August. 

Also over the summer, Lenny went with Dad to his annual K9 certification trials in Grand Rapids and Detroit.  They did all right, I guess.  Lenny brought home some trophies, but it’s not like any of them were first place or anything.  I know you don’t care, but Mom said I had to mention it.  The more exciting part of the weekend was that Mom and I got to visit Grandma and Grandpa Tackebury at their cottage up north.  The car ride was a little long, but it was definitely worth it once we got there.  What a relaxing treat for an over-worked dog such as myself.  I liked it so much that we went back again in October and I even let Lenny come with. 

The fall came around which means Dad starts to find things to do around the house so he doesn’t have to listen to Mom complaining about the start of a new school year.  Mom is teaching debate and Honors English this year.  Somehow she is once again coaching debate.  Or, as I call it, “Nerd-Herding”.  She has started to transition her team to a new style of debate and is getting some other schools and coaches involved, too.  I think she will coach debate until she retires… Or at least until the debate community crowns her “Queen Nerd”. 

One of Dad’s favorite autumnal activities is using his riding mower to pick up the leaves.  I am pretty sure it might take twice as long as raking, but I think he just likes to ride his little tractor around.  Oh, I almost forgot. Lenny learned something this fall.  He learned not to mess with the black cats with white stripes.  Yep. Ole’ Leonard got skunked at work with Dad.  It stunk up their car, Dad’s uniform, the police station, and everything.  Lenny still stinks. Hilarious.

In October, all of the running paid off.  Mom ran her first marathon.  Mom ran the Chicago Marathon, which was amazing not only because she ran 26.2 miles for no reason, but she did it in 90 degree heat with crazy humidity.  Even though they tried to kick her off the course and make her walk, she ran to the end.  Aunt Greta even went to help cheer her on with cousin Bill.  Ever since she hit the finish line she has been planning her next marathon.  Oh… Me?  Well Lenny and I stayed home with Grandpa and got text-message updates on Mom’s races.  I was told I wouldn’t like the ‘Big City’ anyhow. 

Throughout November, Dad could not help but be reminded that his days as a twenty-something were drawing near an end.  The week before his birthday, Mom pulled off a nice surprise party for him.  Friends came from as far as Texas and D.C. and lots of people were there to help Dad celebrate turning 30.  The next day, Dad was not sure how many of those people were his friends as he said he felt like he was going to die.  Nonetheless, Dad was totally surprised and got something he NEVER thought he’d get out of Mom.  A new TV.  Dad has pretty much been glued to it ever since he got it and Mom says that we could park cars in the backyard and show movies.  I haven’t figured out the remote yet.  Somebody will have to teach me and Grandpa for when Mom and Dad go on their next stupid adventure without me. 

Well I could carry on with more exciting tales, but I think it’s about time to guilt Mom into running around the backyard with me.  I really don’t even like playing that much, but you should see how ridiculous she looks when SHE chases ME around the backyard.  The neighbors think it’s hilarious.  I hope you and yours have a wonderful Christmas and a happy New Year. 

 

Merry Christmas,

Beaumont, Patrick, Hattie, and Lenny

Beaumont Takes Another Crack at Holiday Greetings (2006)

Dear Friends and Family,

As another year draws to a close I would like to, once again, spread a little holiday joy and let you know about the happenings here in the Maguire family.  First off, let me tell you how lucky you are to be reading this. Since I wrote the Christmas letter last year, Lenny thought that he was going to write this year’s letter.  How silly. He barely speaks English!  I certainly am not going to let him drone on and on boring you with his police stories and tales of his first Christmas in Germany, or Czechoslovakia, or wherever he’s from.  He didn’t seem to understand that most people don’t even like reading these letters in the first place, let alone reading one written by a pointy-eared monster.  So I offered the only fair compromise I could think of.  Tug of way.  I won.  And therefore you, the reader, wins.

2006 started off as another beautiful year.  It was cold, there was snow on the ground, I wore my barrel with pride and Dad and Lenny were still out of town going to dog school.  Lenny must be a poor student as they didn’t get home until February.  Mom and I toughed it out on our own as Mom coached another year of forensics.  Her team keeps improving and I think they owe it all of her time spent with them when she could be home walking her dog.

This year has brought a great many improvements to the Maguire household.  Some good, some not so good.  Some genius decided to put wood floors in the front living and dining room area.  Sure, they are beautiful and made the house look a lot better, but apparently four-legged family is not allowed on the new floor.  Mom said she wants a ‘dog-free’ area of the house, but I think she is just hiding all of my Christmas presents out there.  Mom wanted a new porch on the front of the house and Dad made the mistake of buying her a sledge hammer and telling her to break up the old porch herself.  She did. Then Dad HAD to build a new porch.  A couple days, some bad words, and several new power tools later, the front of the house looks much more presentable.  Then came the big one.  Mom kept harping about the old kitchen and Dad told her to go out and pick what she wanted.  She did. And she bought cabinets. A few weeks, many more bad words, two new credit cards, and several more tools later, we have a BEAUTIFUL kitchen.  Mom still refuses to pick a backsplash in order to finish the job, but it is amazing what some new appliances, decent cabinets, and a non-rusted sink can do for a place.  I would actually invite my friends over for dinner now.  What really got the job done was TONS of help from family.  Smiling Tom’s did another amazing job on our floors.  Then Mom and Dad held Uncle John captive for many late nights in order to get the job done.  Uncle John tried to teach Dad some new things but, as best as I can tell, Dad is still just good at fetching tools and swearing at leaky pipes.  Down side of the new kitchen: we have another ‘dog-free’ room.  Dad also put in a new system to filter and soften the water.  After living here for only 2 years, our family now has clear water which doesn’t stink.  Now most people (outside of Tijuana) wouldn’t brag about this, but around here you gotta claim a victory when you can. 

Mom’s big excitement this year was when she abandoned the family and jaunted off to Australia and New Zealand.  She became an adult leader for a bunch of Michigan high school student-ambassadors in a program called People to People.  In exchange for wrangling 30 random high school students halfway around the world, she got to herd sheep, swim in the Great Barrier Reef and see all kinds of exciting things in the land down under.  Dad got a didgeridoo… you know… one of these wooden pipe things that hippies blow into and make that weird buzzing sound.  He hasn’t learned how to play it yet.  I got a bandana.  It’s awesome. 

The rest of the summer was not so great.  It was hot and humid and those really aren’t the best conditions for an alpine dog such as myself to showcase my talents.  Dad did his best to try to keep up with the lawn.  Mom was stunned to see that Dad did not weed her garden for the three weeks she was gone.  Mom doesn’t have a garden anymore.  However, Dad managed to convince her that it would be easier to pick up leaves in the fall if he got a new lawn tractor with a bagger on it.  The new John Deere mows, mulches, bags and has a cup holder.  Lenny barks at it.  Lenny barks at most anything which involves more technology than an Amish person would use.  Our tractor came with a free hat which I think will look great on me next summer.  It’s awesome. 

Along with the falling leaves and temperatures, Fall brought the beginning of a new school year.  At our house we call this Harp Season.  Mom drags out her harp and bemoans the many woes of having to go back to work.  Those of us who have been working all summer (it’s not easy being this beautiful in the heat), try to feign sympathy for a day or two.  This year brought some changes as Mom is now teaching an honors English class.  Apparently this falls into line with her debate and forensics nerd-herding curriculum.  While it has been challenging, I think she really likes this new class.  Since the students are mini-Einsteins, she gets to enjoy frequent correspondence from parents reminding her that she is lucky enough to shape the young minds of a future world leader.  I am betting on lots of presents for dogs from her students this Christmas! 

The school year also brought a new debate season.  I hate debate.  Instead of coming home to walk her beautiful dog, Mom spends her entire weekends travelling around the state listening to young people talk at lightning-fast speeds about things like community service leading to a world take over by organically grown fish.  I know.  It doesn’t make sense to me either, but I guess it’s a debate thing.  Her team is doing well and even though she grumbles about long weekends, I think she is just afraid to admit she kinda likes it. 

Speaking of school years, Dad always gets busier in the fall too.  Between home football games, and general hooliganism, he gets stuck at work pretty late most weekends.  In fact, If it weren’t for Grandma and Grandpa Maguire living so close, a certain beautiful St. Bernard might never get outside.  Luckily, things are slowing down a little bit so Dad can finish the minor details on the kitchen and start the next project Mom comes up with.  Dad’s new kick this fall has been an interest in inflatable yard art.  You know… the incredibly tacky blow up things people have in front of their houses?  Right.  Dad has expanded his collection so that he can have inflatables gracing our yard from the beginning of October, right through Christmas.  Mom is thrilled.

Oh yeah.  Lenny wanted me to say something about him finding bad guys who ran from cops, stabbed people, and had hidden drugs in his first few months on the road.  Blah, blah, blah. I knew you wouldn’t care.

Well this letter is getting a bit long, and I think it’s time for a comfy snooze in Mom and Dad’s bed when they leave for work.  I hope this letter finds everybody well and I hope that Santa brings everybody all of their holiday wishes.  I’m pretty convinced he is going to bring me the pallet of treat and king size bed I asked for. 

Merry Christmas,

Beaumont, Patrick, Hattie

 

 

 

…And Lenny

Beaumont's Christmas Letter Debut (2005)

2005

Greetings to all of my favorite friends and relatives,

I hope this letter finds you in good health and spirits as 2005 draws to a close.  As I lay down beneath the desk to write this, I cannot help but reflect on all of the blessings and excitement of this past year.  Since Patrick and Hattie were too modest to share a Christmas letter with everybody, I took it upon myself to let everybody know how the Maguire’s are doing this year.  Besides, outside of barking at the neighbors and begging for a piece of Dad’s pizza I really had nothing better to do. 

We started off the year by going skiing in Vermont.  This was a big step for Mom as she is not much of a skier, but she decided to give it a try after finding the Two Dog Lodge.  This was a magnificent bed and breakfast near the ski resort ant it was built around ME.  They had doggie day care, a doggie bed in the room, and biscuits in bed served every morning.  I had a lot of fun playing and being spoiled.  Apparently mom also took lessons and learned to ski as well as Dad. 

 Although Mom enjoyed the snow and winter in Vermont, she apparently got tired of the snow and winter at home.  After finally helping Dad shovel the driveway once or twice, she gave him the go-ahead on buying a snowblower.  This has become Dad’s and my favorite tool.  Whenever a flake hits the driveway, Dad fires up the snowblower and I help by running around in the snow and howling. 

 Spring brought warmer weather and many projects around the house.  Mom planted a new garden for me in my back yard and Dad got stuck doing an extensive ‘clean up project’ of the back yard which he kept blaming me for.  I kept a close eye on the garden all summer and enjoyed lying down in Mom’s beautiful flowers.  Dad also built a small patio for the hot tub which had been sitting in the garage for a year.  After some help from Uncle John, they got the tub up and running (I still do not understand the whole ‘hot tubbing’ thing since they won’t let me jump in), and Mom now gets to park her car in the garage. 

Mom and Dad cashed in on a wedding present of frequent flyer miles and went to Europe on vacation in June.   They studied my Swiss heritage by visiting the St. Bernard Monastery in Switzerland, where they saw a herd of St. Bernards less beautiful than me.  They also went to Paris and Amsterdam.  While they took planes and trains all over Europe, I got to stay at Grandma and Grandpa Maguire’s where I was spoiled for nearly two weeks.  I really wish they would lecture Mom and Dad on how to properly love and provide for such a beautiful four-legged specimen. 

In keeping with her tradition of having too many irons in the fire, Mom went and got a summer job at the mall.  She must have finally figured out that it was not fair that Dad has to work all year while she gets all summer to be lazy.  By fall, Mom had amassed quite the wardrobe.  I am pretty sure that the whole thing was not much of a money-maker, but it gave Mom something to do when she wasn’t walking me or at the gym.  Speaking of jobs, Dad must have screwed up at work, because they gave him a partner who has to live with us now.  They started calling Dad a ‘K-9’ officer and he brought home ‘Lenny’.  Lenny is a German Shepherd with pointy ears.  Mom and I do not like pointy ears, but Lenny is turning out to be not so bad.  He is kind of goofy looking, but we get along famously now that I have explained that while I am a family member, he is simply an employee.  He must be pretty dumb, too.  Dad and Lenny have to go to school for 14 weeks in Indiana.  They spend all week down there where Dad tries to teach Lenny how to use his nose and chase people and find things and stuff.  According to Dad it is going pretty well, but Lenny still doesn’t get to graduate until February.

While you may be impressed by Lenny’s higher education, I would like to take this opportunity to share with you my greatest personal achievement so far this year.  After taking several classes with Mom, she entered me in my first dog show this fall.  That’s right, I got to enter the annual South Lyon Pumpkinfest Dog Show. I won a beautiful ribbon and was crowned ‘Biggest Dog’. I know that the judge wanted to give me Best in Show, but I told him it would be tacky for me to win in two categories.  I won a whole big bag of prizes, but unfortunately a lot of them were to places like restaurants where I was not welcome.  Mom and Dad owe me big time. 

School started back up for Mom and she is no longer teaching Spanish.  She is now teaching English and Debate.  Her Debate Team has had a lot of tournaments his year and I have had to give up a lot of my quality time with Mom so she could travel around the state with her team.  She is going to he headed to the State Finals pretty soon and once debate is over, she will be moving into the Forensics season.  I like Forensics a lot more than debate because Mom is home to walk me more during Forensics season. 

Mom also recently found out that she will be going to Australia this summer.  She has gotten involved in a youth program called ‘People to People’ and is going to be a chaperone on a three week trip to Australia .  Dad and I are already planning all of the fun bachelor activities we can do.  However, Mom seems to think we will be too busy working on her list of things to do around the house.   Dad’s got big plans to put a new roof on the house this summer and Mom wants a new kitchen.  Personally, I think I have a better chance of getting a gold plated dinner bowl than Mom does of getting a new kitchen next summer.  But we’ll see.

Well, this letter is getting long and I think I hear something to bark at in the back yard.  As I put on my barrel to enjoy the snowy winter months, I think of all the wonderful friends and family we have and hope that your holiday season is filled with blessings and joy.

Merry Christmas,

Beaumont

 

(and Hattie and Patrick)

 

(…ok and Lenny, too)