Stupid Christmas Shoes Song...

Okay, so this has bothered for the last few years around Christmas time. As Christmas gets closer, I listen to more and more Christmas music to get into the holiday spirit. But more and more I hear this horrible song. At first I thought I hated the song because it was cheesy. Now I think I hate it more because of how incredibly ridiculous the lyrics are. You be the judge.

I am sure you have heard it before. It's called "The Christmas Shoes" and is reportedly by a group called Newsong. I am not too familiar with any of Newsong's other hits, but I am sure I'm not missing much. Anyhow, if you haven't ever heard the song and you have 4 minutes, 56 seconds of your life to waste, you can hear it here. The gist is that the author is waiting in line doing their Christmas shopping. I am not sure if this dude is doing his shopping in a shoe store or not. If he is, it seems kinda weird. I mean, I never really thought of shoes as a gift you bought for somebody unless they were a bowler or a stripper. Perhaps, the guy was in a more multi-purpose store like wal-mart or CVS which makes me think he was probably doing his shopping on Christmas Eve.

We learn, as we suffer through the breathy singer's poor rhyme scheme, that the person in line just ahead of him is a young dirty boy with a pair of red shoes. The little boy gets to the register and gives (unsolicited) his sob story to the clerk. Basically, the kid's mom is dying and dad says she has not got much time left. So the boy ran to the store to get these red shoes. He thinks that the shoes will make her smile and look great when she meets Jesus later tonight. Unfortunately, the kid has not got enough dough to cover the new kicks, so the kid has to turn and ask our singer for some spare change to cover the bill. Our hero with the husky voice comes through in the end and SELFLESSLY throws down a buck or two so the kid's dead mom can keep from sullying St. Peter's doormat.

Oddly, I have a few issues with... Oh I don't know... Basically ALL of this song. First off, who tells their kid that "Hey yer Mama's dyin'. Why don't you run down and pick her out a nice set of shoes". Really? THAT'S your priority? You aren't going to try to explain death, or let the kid spend time with Mom? Nope. Send him out on Christmas Eve by himself to shop for shoes with not quite enough money. I remember when I was a kid. I could barely pick out a simple bathrobe for my mom that wasn't shamelessly tacky. How do we expect that a little kid is going to be able to pick out footwear that is the right size, style, and color to match an outfit, let alone a casket?

Next let's talk about who is running the register at our Christmas Eve superstore. The clerk listens to this sappy story from the kid and then says "tough luck kid, but you're a little short.... NEXT!". Who is this, Scrooge? The Tin Man? What kind of heartless bastard isn't going to let this kid have the shoes. I mean, the clerk was already forced to work on Christmas Eve, so you KNOW he hates his boss anyhow. You think he really cares if the company loses a few bucks on some nasty red heels? This kid SHOULD have called his local news channel's 'problem solving action news' team so they could have harassed this clerk and put their face all over the 11 O'Clock news with a teaser like "You'll never believe how much this local Payless salesman hates America. News at 11". Anyhow, I think we can all agree that most of us, if put in this situation, would have picked up the P.A. , yelled 'CUSTOMER OVERRIDE on 3' and let the kid slide. If nothing else, let's keep the line moving, eh?

I still think the worst part of the song is the author itself. So he paid for the kid's Death Shoes. Great. But isn't that the kind of experience you keep to yourself and hope to never again relive? I mean, this would be a bummer enough of an experience if it happened to you. Why would you want to be a downer on somebody else's day by sharing it with them? Not so for our singer. He thinks the WHOLE WORLD needs to hear this tale so we can congratulate him on what a philanthropist he is. Who among us would not have done the same thing? I am pretty sure that every person who reads this would, without a doubt, lay down the money so this kid can get his mom some Pious Pumps to make Jesus happy. But I don't think many people would brag about it. Does this guy want a gold star for throwing a buck or two this kid's way? I'm betting this dude doesn't even celebrate Christmas. He was probably out trying to get a last minute deal on a ham that hadn't sold all week. Anyways, he's a douche.

So you be the judge. Perhaps I am missing the point, or over-analyzing the song, or being a grinch. But I am pretty sure that not only is this song mediocre-at-best on a musical level, but it is also pretty craptacular lyrically. I hope that now when you hear it, it annoys you as much as it does me.

Things I Never Thought I Would Own

Life is full of things imagined. There's the things we imagine ourselves doing and becoming, the places we imagine we might go, the people we imagine becoming. There are things we never want to imagine - losing loved ones, falling ill, having to watch America's Next Top Model with your wife, and so on. Then there are the things you would never imagine in a million years. These are the things I am discovering as Baby Maguire creaps ever closer to entering our lives.

If you had told me, say... ten years ago, that I was going to have kids I would have said you were crazy and ordered another beer. If you had told me, even five years ago, that I would spend the first weeks in March planning health insurance and picking baby clothes as opposed to planning my St. Patty's Day and picking out drinking shirts, I would have laughed. Yet here I am. It has finally set in that I have only days left to make all of the last minute plans, purchases, fixes, and installations of all things baby.

Sure I have always SAID I would never have kids, but you always THINK about it in the back of your mind. There are the fleeting thoughts of what life would be like raising a kid, having an extra body in the house, watching your daughter graduate, or sailing on a yacht paid for by your genius millionaire son who supports you after inventing the cure to Microsoft. I mean, of course I have thought about what it would be like to have a family, but then I shook the thoughts off like I would the thought of winning the $221 million jackpot in Mega Millions. These thoughts never seemed like they had any roots in reality. They never seemed like a possibility for ME. Slowly these thoughts have turned more from short-lived fantasy to what-if's, whens and how-in-the-worlds.

I am not sure if I am finally growing up and becoming mildly mature, or if I have reached premature senility and forgotten everything from years past. Either way, as I imagine the looming reality of being a dad, I am struck not only by fear but by an equal sense of excitement. I have NO idea what I am doing, how I will do it, when I will sleep, or if I will ever again have the life I once knew. But that doesn't seem as important as the thought of having a little munchkin to raise and teach. I am suddenly excited by the thought of starting my OWN family and trying new things as I watch my own brat grow before my eyes. This excitement is something I would never have been able to imagine.

Speaking of things one can't imagine, there have been some changes in my life. I am told that I have yet to see how much my life will change, but you gotta let me take baby steps here. Up until now, all of the toys and trips in my life have been for The Wife and me. Now I have these crazy things I would never have imagined. Despite being 31 years old, completely literate, and college educated, I just got the car seat in after no less than an hour of reading the manual. That's right, my truck - the first big toy I bought after getting a real job - now has a baby seat in the back. What was once a place to haul hockey gear to games, drunk buddies home from the bar, and a young St. Bernard has now become the chariot for Baby to ride.

Instead of a guest room, I now have a nursey. Again, this one may have been foreseeable. As I said before there are some things you might imagine. I might have known we would some day have a room for our child. But never would I have imagined myself spending days putting together cribs, glider chairs, and a futuristic garbage can which allegedly traps in all the fun odors from Baby's dirty diapers (I'll believe it when I see it - and don't smell it). I could not have ever imagined myself spending the weekend making sure that the changing table was put together and fully stocked. I did not see myself testing baby toys. But what I really didn't expect was that I would have fun doing it. That's when I realize this might not be so scary after all. Maybe I will be able to handle this. And I think we'll have fun doing it.

Besides, I have my new charge card. It's the LAST thing I would have ever imagined owning. It was unimaginable. Last weekend, while getting the last few items for the nursery, the lady at Babies 'R Us said we could save another 10% by opening a charge card. After about 2 minutes of entering my info on their computer and signing, I was instantly approved. And with the maximum allowable credit limit. Less than a week later, my shiny new card came in the mail... with an already increased credit limit. I never would have imagined.

So as I try to prepare myself by cramming on "New Father" study materials, packing hospital bags, and taking care of last minute items I try to remind myself that while it's going to be scary it's also going to be fun. And now I couldn't imagine it any other way.