Stupid Christmas Shoes Song...

Okay, so this has bothered for the last few years around Christmas time. As Christmas gets closer, I listen to more and more Christmas music to get into the holiday spirit. But more and more I hear this horrible song. At first I thought I hated the song because it was cheesy. Now I think I hate it more because of how incredibly ridiculous the lyrics are. You be the judge.

I am sure you have heard it before. It's called "The Christmas Shoes" and is reportedly by a group called Newsong. I am not too familiar with any of Newsong's other hits, but I am sure I'm not missing much. Anyhow, if you haven't ever heard the song and you have 4 minutes, 56 seconds of your life to waste, you can hear it here. The gist is that the author is waiting in line doing their Christmas shopping. I am not sure if this dude is doing his shopping in a shoe store or not. If he is, it seems kinda weird. I mean, I never really thought of shoes as a gift you bought for somebody unless they were a bowler or a stripper. Perhaps, the guy was in a more multi-purpose store like wal-mart or CVS which makes me think he was probably doing his shopping on Christmas Eve.

We learn, as we suffer through the breathy singer's poor rhyme scheme, that the person in line just ahead of him is a young dirty boy with a pair of red shoes. The little boy gets to the register and gives (unsolicited) his sob story to the clerk. Basically, the kid's mom is dying and dad says she has not got much time left. So the boy ran to the store to get these red shoes. He thinks that the shoes will make her smile and look great when she meets Jesus later tonight. Unfortunately, the kid has not got enough dough to cover the new kicks, so the kid has to turn and ask our singer for some spare change to cover the bill. Our hero with the husky voice comes through in the end and SELFLESSLY throws down a buck or two so the kid's dead mom can keep from sullying St. Peter's doormat.

Oddly, I have a few issues with... Oh I don't know... Basically ALL of this song. First off, who tells their kid that "Hey yer Mama's dyin'. Why don't you run down and pick her out a nice set of shoes". Really? THAT'S your priority? You aren't going to try to explain death, or let the kid spend time with Mom? Nope. Send him out on Christmas Eve by himself to shop for shoes with not quite enough money. I remember when I was a kid. I could barely pick out a simple bathrobe for my mom that wasn't shamelessly tacky. How do we expect that a little kid is going to be able to pick out footwear that is the right size, style, and color to match an outfit, let alone a casket?

Next let's talk about who is running the register at our Christmas Eve superstore. The clerk listens to this sappy story from the kid and then says "tough luck kid, but you're a little short.... NEXT!". Who is this, Scrooge? The Tin Man? What kind of heartless bastard isn't going to let this kid have the shoes. I mean, the clerk was already forced to work on Christmas Eve, so you KNOW he hates his boss anyhow. You think he really cares if the company loses a few bucks on some nasty red heels? This kid SHOULD have called his local news channel's 'problem solving action news' team so they could have harassed this clerk and put their face all over the 11 O'Clock news with a teaser like "You'll never believe how much this local Payless salesman hates America. News at 11". Anyhow, I think we can all agree that most of us, if put in this situation, would have picked up the P.A. , yelled 'CUSTOMER OVERRIDE on 3' and let the kid slide. If nothing else, let's keep the line moving, eh?

I still think the worst part of the song is the author itself. So he paid for the kid's Death Shoes. Great. But isn't that the kind of experience you keep to yourself and hope to never again relive? I mean, this would be a bummer enough of an experience if it happened to you. Why would you want to be a downer on somebody else's day by sharing it with them? Not so for our singer. He thinks the WHOLE WORLD needs to hear this tale so we can congratulate him on what a philanthropist he is. Who among us would not have done the same thing? I am pretty sure that every person who reads this would, without a doubt, lay down the money so this kid can get his mom some Pious Pumps to make Jesus happy. But I don't think many people would brag about it. Does this guy want a gold star for throwing a buck or two this kid's way? I'm betting this dude doesn't even celebrate Christmas. He was probably out trying to get a last minute deal on a ham that hadn't sold all week. Anyways, he's a douche.

So you be the judge. Perhaps I am missing the point, or over-analyzing the song, or being a grinch. But I am pretty sure that not only is this song mediocre-at-best on a musical level, but it is also pretty craptacular lyrically. I hope that now when you hear it, it annoys you as much as it does me.